This article was written in response to the following email;

Hi KC,
I have two children 4 and 9 years of age. We are having trouble getting them to express their feelings. The 4 year old throws things around when he is upset and then feels very sorry and broken about it. The 9 year old simply clams up for days. I have to call around and go behind her back to find out what's happening, I need to stop doing this. I feel like they have lives separate from our's and we have been unable to get them to talk to us. We are aware of various trauma they are experiencing but bringing up the subject only makes them avoid me.
Any advice at all would be appreciated.
N

Dear N,
I don't know enough of the details to speak specifically, but here is some general help with healing Emotional Management in children;

1) Offer an alternative to violence (by example)
Kids imitate parents even in managing their emotions. If they're throwing things around or getting violent, and you've told them they shouldn't do that but it makes no difference, it means they need an alternative. The next time your child throws something, bring attention to how he's feeling first - have him express it someway - like yelling, or punching a pillow or crying. After that, when he's back to normal make him repair what he broke or clean it up.
If he doesn't realize its about his feelings you're bothered not about the furniture, he'll continue throwing things every time he's angry - kids cannot really appreciate furniture and walls you know. What they can appreciate is the feeling of peace after their strong emotions are let out - not necessarily in words.

When kids have problems talking, or expressing themselves in words, we have to go to their cave of wordless pure expression and understand and hold their hand there first. This will make them brave enough to come out with us to the world of words. We need to remember how communication was for us before we had the right words for everything.

2) Share positive emotions too - they are important too
One reason many kids run away from parents wanting to talk is because invariably the parent wants to talk about something problematic or difficult. If we started talking more about the happy things even if they are mundane, children will realize life isn't a string of important unfortunate incidents and are quite ok with discussing things good and bad whenever they happen. If children cannot share their little happinesses, how can they share their problems?
Giving important to emotions unconditionally makes the child able to see his or her life holistically - not just as a tragedy or as one long beautiful poem. This keeps them in the moment, realistic and healthy.

3) Give importance to Sleep
A well-slept child is developing well, prepared for the challenges of the day without emotional left-overs from yesterday. Children need to go to sleep early and wake up after 8 hours or so. Their waking needs to be stress-free so that their nervous system and muscles can develop strong. It is very rare that a child who goes to bed on time and sleeps deep without stress, doesn't learn to manage his or her emotions properly.

4) Shock and strong emotion need to be addressed immediately
Putting things off for a 'better time' tells children that emotions and feelings are less important than other things. This puts them in the habit of keeping their feelings to deal with later. Its best to address things on the spot with solemnity and gravity so they know their feelings are important. Its always possible to convey in one way or another that you are aware of how they are feeling even if you cannot stop and hug them or explain things. A knowing look or rub on the shoulder will let them know you know. This will keep them clear, light and able to face situations in the moment. This will also prevent the many illnesses and psychological disorders that come from shock and strong emotion not being addressed on time.

5) Give them a habit of being emotionally aware on their own, something they can do any time on their own.
This has traditionally been done by teaching children to pray so they tell God how they're feeling. This is not about religion, its about giving children a way to articulate their own feelings to themselves so that in times of trauma they won't need to depend on someone else to help them get through life. This makes them emotionally independent and able to have a balance in their relationships.
There's no guarantee that a child will have someone to love them or listen to them when they need it most. This is why we need to teach them to self-express, tap into their own spirit, their own inner wisdom and resilience, to have their own view-point.
Instead of giving them a formula for life, we need to encourage them in developing their own. Our formula won't work for them, in their life and their times. Instead of negating them when they come up with a theory or correcting it immediately, we need to first look at it with an open mind and congratulate them for trying.
Children often come up with beautiful profound thoughts and when we allow ourselves to be touched and say so, they become confident and start trusting their inner voice. This is what we want for them. After-all they are each great teachers, great beings, great humans, and us acknowledging that - despite the gum and knotted laces - makes them confident and gives them a sure foundation.
The gum and laces and terrible school reports go away, but their emotional habits and self image stay on.

6) We need to teach them real competition.
If we run down their friends and gossip about their friends' Moms and Dads, we're telling our kid, "You're not really that good, you just have an advantage because that other child is disadvantaged." Kids pick onto these things and feel low about themselves. Real competition is that which is based in excellence. If someone does better, get your child to learn how they did it, or find a better way. Don't underestimate him or her - just because you weren't good at a subject or sport doesn't mean your child will have problems too. That's a proven fact.

7) Don't pass on inherited and second-hand emotions
Many of us spent forever getting out of the emotional rut our parents and other family members pulled us into. So many beautiful humans on earth today are carrying the burden of anger, resentment, low self esteem and helplessness that ancestors long generations ago experienced. The times have changed, and we have to live in the moment. We need to set our own selves free from guilt we inherited.
If our parents came from a land where everyone suffered - us being prosperous now should not cause us guilt - but so many people I know live with that guilt. And the children inherit it. They feel forced to move down particular life-paths just to come to terms with that guilt or responsibility. They feel like they're betraying their families and ancestors if they set themselves free of it and enjoy life.
Children also carry second-hand emotions from their parents. These are difficult to deal with, because even having them is unreasonable - such a situation never happened to the child - so he or she doesn't know what it is. They just know they have a heaviness.

Watching their parents deal with pent up emotions and becoming happy and hopeful again gives children the signal they are waiting for to move on with their lives and growth. No matter how traumatic and hard life is, if we are living with an open heart and free emotions it will all add up beautifully and we will have a beautiful bond made of true human experience holding us all together, even when we live miles and worlds away.

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This article was written by K.C.Avnayt, a full time Holistic Health Practitioner specializing in Energy Medicine made from naturally existing energies - herbs, flowers and minerals. For more articles and healing information visit her website at http://www.Energy-Treatments.com. You may freely distribute this article or save to any electronic media as long as it is left intact, including the copyright statement above. © K.C.Avnayt About Us - Articles and List of Standard Energy Medicine Blends - Newsletters - Order Prescription Medicine - Contact Us - Energy Treatment for Dogs - Energy Treatment for Horses - Disclaimer - Privacy Policy - Sitemap

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